


Not So Easy

by tsuristyle



Category: SMAP
Genre: M/M, giving and getting consent, when you are very good at falling into each other's pants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9063526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuristyle/pseuds/tsuristyle
Summary: Kimura's expression changes unexpectedly, like Tsuyoshi is suddenly something alarmingly fragile that might break if Kimura touches him. "Don't apologize. It wasn't-- It was my fault."His fault? Tsuyoshi squints up at him, confused. "Huh?"Kimura presses his lips together and looks away-- he is angry, but not, Tsuyoshi suddenly realizes, at him.(Set in the late 1990s. Written April 2014.)





	

Kimura coughs and spits it back out on Tsuyoshi's thigh and then climbs over him, sprawling heavily on top of him and grinding against his hip. Tsuyoshi lifts his hand to help but his fingers are too thick and clumsy and he's too spent too tired to move and Kimura's going to be pissed at him but his eyes are already falling shut and--  
  
  
He wakes up with the floor pressing into his back and a splitting headache. At least there's a blanket thrown over him.  
  
Kimura emerges from the shower a few minutes later, looking equally hungover. He also looks decidedly pissed off.  
  
He stops in the doorway and stares at Tsuyoshi for a long, uncomfortable moment. Tsuyoshi sits up carefully, trying not to send the room spinning. Is Kimura angry at him? Probably, it wouldn't be anything new after all. He did fall asleep right away, which he feels bad about but then again he _was_ pretty drunk, and he's pretty sure Kimura was pretty drunk, too--  
  
"You should go," Kimura says, his voice hoarse. He rubs his face irritably, swaying slightly in place.  
  
Tsuyoshi swallows back a little twinge of disappointment. He hadn't been expecting Kimura to be bright and cheerful or anything, but he could be a little more hospitable. "Right." He looks down at the blanket, feeling reluctant to strip it off in front of his bandmate despite the previous night's events. "Can I at least get some water?"  
  
Kimura silently turns and disappears into the bathroom. Tsuyoshi looks around for his clothes and manages to pull his shorts on without getting up. Then he has to stick his head between his knees because he is absolutely _not_ going to get sick and throw up on Kimura's floor.  
  
"Here." Something cold nudges his forehead; Kimura is holding out a glass of water. Tsuyoshi downs it gratefully, draining the entire glass in seconds. Kimura watches him wordlessly.  
  
What can he say? Kimura definitely seems to be angry, enough to kick him out without a second thought, hangover and all. Tsuyoshi wishes he'd been a little more sober; he could have at least returned the favor somehow. He doesn't remember what happened after he fell asleep, or whether Kimura even got off at all.  
  
"I'm sorry," he says, figuring it's the best he can do at the moment.  
  
Kimura's expression changes unexpectedly, like Tsuyoshi is suddenly something alarmingly fragile that might break if Kimura touches him. "Don't apologize. It wasn't-- It was my fault."  
  
His _fault_? Tsuyoshi squints up at him, confused. "Huh?"  
  
Kimura presses his lips together and looks away-- he _is_ angry, but not, Tsuyoshi suddenly realizes, at him. "I had too much to drink. I'm-- sorry. You should go."  
  
Through the ache in his head, Tsuyoshi catches a glimpse of what Kimura means. "It wasn't-- It's okay, I mean, I had a lot too--"  
  
"It's _not_ okay." Kimura picks Tsuyoshi's jeans up from the floor and tosses them at him, shortly followed by his shirt. "Go away."  
  
Tsuyoshi struggles into his clothes, afraid to look at his bandmate. He could tell him that he wouldn't need to be drunk for Kimura to take advantage of him, but he's not sure he's ready to admit that. He's not sure it would make Kimura feel any better, either.  
  
He hesitates by the door. Kimura is standing in the middle of the room, his own discarded clothes still strewn about the floor. "It's okay," Tsuyoshi tells him, trying to think of something he can say to convince his bandmate. "Really. I'm okay."  
  
If anything, Kimura looks even angrier. Tsuyoshi shuts up before he can _really_ stick his foot in his mouth, and hightails it out of there.  
  
  
They're in the middle of a tour-- which is why he even ended up in Kimura's room in the first place, after the celebratory drinks and Nakai heading off to catch a plane and Shingo and Goro disappearing somewhere together and Kimura buying another round-- so there's no chance of hiding from each other. Tsuyoshi considers trying to but decides that it would probably just make Kimura more upset; if Kimura considers it, he doesn't know, because they run into each other backstage almost immediately.  
  
The look on Kimura's face is the most uncertain Tsuyoshi has ever seen him. Maybe he should have stayed, kept talking even if it made Kimura fly off the handle with self-directed anger and guilt. Or maybe he would have just screwed everything up even more.  
  
Tsuyoshi gives him the brightest smile he can manage; Kimura doesn't smile back, but he does at least stop looking at Tsuyoshi like he's something Kimura accidentally dropped.  
  
After that, things seem to be as they always are on tour and Tsuyoshi is too busy to think about it again for a while. For his own part, he's thrilled to have had that kind of attention from Kimura (every bit as good as he'd imagined) but he doesn't expect it's ever going to happen again. Not that he'd mind if it did--  
  
In the breathless rush of post-encore afterglow, Tsuyoshi plunges into backstage darkness and runs into Kimura in a sudden unexpected tangle of limbs. Kimura inhales sharply-- fingers brushing skin smell of sweat and adrenaline shirts abandoned somewhere on stage-- and then his arms tighten and Tsuyoshi doesn't know where they end up but Kimura's mouth is on his and Kimura's hips are pressed against his and for a moment all that exists is sheer incandescent _need_.  
  
"Tsuyoshi," Kimura breathes, hot on Tsuyoshi's cheek. "Do you--" Tsuyoshi manages a soft moan, and then Kimura is already undoing Tsuyoshi's zipper and shoving his pants down, question forgotten.  
  
The moment they pull apart, Tsuyoshi knows it's the same-- Kimura's fingers uncurl too quickly, he looks somewhere that isn't Tsuyoshi and fumbles for his pants like he wants out of there as fast as he can. Tsuyoshi reaches out a hand in the dark, trying to find something, anything to say. "Kimura-kun--"  
  
"Shut up," Kimura hisses, and then he's gone.  
  
  
This time, Tsuyoshi _does_ avoid Kimura. It seems like the least he can do. He's pretty sure Kimura is avoiding him, too, because he's already finished his solo rehearsal by the time Tsuyoshi gets to the concert hall the next day and their paths don't even so much as cross backstage the rest of the day. Maybe they can just keep doing this for the rest of the tour, Tsuyoshi thinks, and then after everything is done they can go back to normal like nothing happened at all. It's probably for the best, after all, and it's not like they're close anyway so if they have a little more trouble looking at each other from now on it won't really make a difference, right?  
  
He doesn't get a chance to put this plan into action, though, because the moment they get out of the showers Shingo announces that they are all going out for a drink together and that _includes_ Nakai-kun so don't even _try_ to sneak away, okay?  
  
"Goro's already picked a place," Shingo adds, smiling brightly as he wrestles Nakai into a headlock. "It's our last night here, anyway, so let's have fun!"  
  
Which is how Tsuyoshi ends up seated across from Kimura, both of them trapped on respective sides of a booth by their bandmates and carefully avoiding each other's eyes. Tsuyoshi drinks down nearly half of his beer without realizing it; it feels like he's going to need at least a couple more to get through this.  
  
"--but what if we switched it up with some other songs, like--"  
  
What _is_ this, anyway? Does Kimura hate him now? If Kimura really didn't want him at all, then maybe he could understand, but the still-lingering heat of Kimura's hands and mouth everywhere on him doesn't _feel_ like Kimura doesn't want anything to do with him, so why does he keep acting like he doesn't?  
  
He catches himself glancing at Kimura; Kimura catches him at it, too, and frowns, his mouth pursing in irritation before pointedly looking away again.  
  
"--I mean, I like $10 as much as the next person, but--"  
  
Does he really think Tsuyoshi doesn't want him?  
  
Tsuyoshi peeks at Kimura again, hiding it behind a sip of beer. Is that really it? Does he really think that he's taking advantage of him, that being Kimura _-kun_ means Tsuyoshi can't say no? It's true Tsuyoshi's never admitted just how attracted he is to his bandmate--maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's time to man up and say what he wants, once and for all.  
  
"--look, I _know_ you like Yuki ga Futtekita, but it's not even fall yet--"  
  
Tsuyoshi sets his beer down with a thump and looks straight at Kimura. "I want to have sex with you."  
  
Kimura stares at him. Nakai, Shingo, and Goro also stare at him, mouths hanging open, argument completely forgotten.  
  
Kimura opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it again. " _What_?"  
  
Tsuyoshi flushes, aware of all of his bandmates' stares, but he's had just enough beer to substitute for courage so he keeps looking at Kimura. "I really want to have sex with you," he repeats. "So if you want to have sex again it's okay with me, you don't have to pretend like--"  
  
Kimura lunges across the table to cover Tsuyoshi's mouth, nearly spilling his beer. His cheeks are blazing-- weird, Tsuyoshi's never seen him blush before-- is Kimura actually _embarrassed_? " _Tsuyoshi shut up what are you talking about_ \--"  
  
"Y'know, I think I was just about to go to the bathroom," Shingo says hastily, grabbing Nakai's arm and dragging him out of the booth. "You too, _right Goro-chan_?" Goro glances back curiously but reluctantly follows after them, leaving Kimura and Tsuyoshi alone in the booth.  
  
Kimura glares at Tsuyoshi, although he's still furiously red. "You-- the hell-- are you _serious_?" Tsuyoshi nods, since Kimura is still covering his mouth. Kimura pulls his hand away and sinks back down onto the seat. "Dammit, why are you telling me this _now_?"  
  
"I was thinking about it." Tsuyoshi looks down at his beer. "And you didn't seem like you'd listen before."  
  
"That's because you--" Kimura breaks off and grabs his wrist, dragging him out of the booth, past their bandmates craning their necks from the bathroom hallway, and out of the bar entirely. They set off down the sidewalk, Tsuyoshi hurrying to keep up with the firm grip on his wrist. "You were _drunk_ that first time, what was I supposed to think? I thought I'd--" Kimura doesn't finish but Tsuyoshi gets the idea.  
  
"I wasn't drunk the second time," he points out, trotting alongside Kimura, but even as Kimura glances sideways at him he realizes it's not much of an argument for all the choice his bandmate had actually given him. "I'm not drunk _now_."  
  
"That doesn't make it _okay_." They pause at a traffic light, and for a moment they're side-by-side. "Just because you _want_ me doesn't mean you should be having _sex_ with me."  
  
Tsuyoshi frowns. "Why not?"  
  
Kimura looks over at him, a long, lingering look that Tsuyoshi can't read. Then the light changes and he's trotting after Kimura again, even more confused than before.  
  
"Because it's not the same thing," he just barely hears Kimura reply.  
  
What's that supposed to mean? That Kimura doesn't actually want him? Or that he thinks Tsuyoshi's crush on him is just a stupid, innocent leftover from when they were teenagers? It might still be stupid, Tsuyoshi supposes, but he's pretty sure it stopped being _innocent_ a long time ago. "I'm not fifteen anymore," he says, pulling on his wrist to try to slow Kimura down. "I mean, I know I still make bad decisions sometimes-- well, a lot of the time-- but I don't regret them. They're my decisions. They're not-- they're not _mistakes_."  
  
Kimura stops, and with a glance up Tsuyoshi realizes they're back at the hotel. "Tsuyoshi," Kimura says, and his hand tightens around Tsuyoshi's wrist, maybe tighter than he realizes. "I'm not a nice person. I could-- hurt you."  
  
Tsuyoshi grits his teeth-- Kimura is squeezing hard enough to bruise, and maybe he doesn't notice or maybe that's the point, but Tsuyoshi isn't about to prove Kimura _right_. "I'm not that easy to break."  
  
Kimura stares at him, for once almost looking at a loss. He glances down at his hand around Tsuyoshi's wrist and loosens his grip, rubbing his thumb over the red starting to appear underneath.  
  
"Stupid," he says, finally, but he doesn't look unhappy. Then his hand closes around Tsuyoshi's wrist again, and he flashes a sly smile at the younger man before pulling him into the hotel lobby. "You'd better not pass out on me this time."


End file.
